Her sister's ass was worth my getting thrown out of the house.
Would we rather be in rehab with the drug addicts or the girls with low self esteem?
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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