Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
Randomize