I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
Is it wrong I want to seduce my ex to prove the point to his current gf he's an ass?
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
Is the Glover Park Chipotle past the strip club?
Why is that your only point of reference?
Just answer the question
While he was going down town Julie brown, I was eating French fries. True Love
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
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