Just fell off a train. Bad.
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
yeah that facebook group of people who have had sex with me probably isn't to discreet...
I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
I think we can all look back on last night and categorize it under, " reason why Cory can't be left at the bar by himself"
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
I am going to go Miley Cyrus crazy if I don't get sex soon
Headline in the alligator: young zeta goes berserk after lack of sex and is found naked swinging from wrecking ball on university ave, refuses to get down until sex partner is found
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
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