So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
Randomize
