Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
Lets both be adults and never talk about last night again.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
Randomize
