So I had sex in the woods... it was just as dirty as you'd expect it would be.. and not in a good way.
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
im almost positive that in mid thrust she told me she was pro choice
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
I don't know but this 12 year old kid is soaking up all of our bad morals like a super tampon on the second day of my period
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
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