I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
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