We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
Blow job season was short but glorious.
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
Oohh. Then yes, he is the Alpha Fuckboy.
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
