Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
You said dick pics aren't attractive
Random ones, from strangers, no. But a beautiful penis I know and love, absolutely :3
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
Randomize
