At least we don't have one night stands
True that. We sink our claws in our men.
I am midnight drunk by noon
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
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