what happened last night??
everyone saw ******'s vagina
and that's just the beginning
made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
these two guys are about to go shot for shot with syrup
now he is talking to a potato
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
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