how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
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