went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
Still bad at ganbling. Still good at dringing.
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
Dicks are not precious.
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