I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
billy ray cyrus is narrating a show on the history channel. my iq cant decide whether to go up or down.
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
My liver just had a heart attack.
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
Turns out naked twister is less fun than it sounds. I can never look Lee in the eye again. But Aimee's boobs are glorious.
Randomize
