If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
AIM automatically accepts video chats on my laptop. I found this out when I got a text from Jacob after my first attempt at drunk lesbian sex saying, "I'd give it a 7. You need to work on your positioning." I think I'm single now.
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Randomize
