I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
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