i dont think there is any level of not caring that i havent covered in the last month
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
And you kept repeating "I didn't know know that this was a no blow job zone."
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
as a side note pls kill me
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
Randomize
