Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
Hey kate, how is it?
sloppy...it's emily. kate just tried to do a keg stand. they dropped her. we're leaving.
so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
Question: should I be considering heels or is this the kind of night where I should plan on falling on my face regardless of my choice of footwear?
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
