I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
Randomize
