She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
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