at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
You know you're wathing too much reality TV when you start adding commentary to every day life.
she's just sitting in a corner ripping all of the filters off her menthols
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
Probably twitter. Never underestimate a psycho girl with wifi
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
Randomize
