I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
am i morally bankrupt?
no. its just the recession
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
he turned the pretty ricky playlist on. its about to go down.
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
Randomize
