You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
woke up with withdrawal cold sweats this morning. spring break must really be over.
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
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