I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
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