It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
Someone wrote Kyle's bitch on me too. I dont even know who Kyle is.
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
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