My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
he just fucked me for my cheese..
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
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