cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
My internship group is made up of all freshman. Their enthusiasm for education and social interaction sickens me.
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
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