i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
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