Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
Randomize