I just found that girl ____ on facebook, her activities include "church nursery" yikes
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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