I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
a queef is a wish your heart makes.
It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
Randomize
