Why does lindsey know I was naked in the kitchen?
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
I'm glad your nude photos turned out "classy" but you cannot hang them in the living room.
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
Randomize
