some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
Just invented taco cereal.
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
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