i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
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