My room smells like vodka and shame
i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
and i looked up. we had an audience...
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Randomize
