I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
We just made watching Intervention into a drinking game. We drink everytime someone does drungs.
i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Randomize
