I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
"Let's chug a beer then make out" doesn't sound as nice, but it would prob make him cum right there.
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
How about we just fuck in random places all around campus, and skip the boring relationship part?
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
I frew up on some kids lovely sidealk chald drawings..
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
It’s so white trash that I almost have to have it.
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