my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
You paid at the door and they gave you a straw for the kiddie pool full of booze.
After a bit there were two girls who got naked and liquor wrestled. I don't think it was planned.
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
Move ovrr Titanoc and all you others. Heres the real tale of woe. This ladys failed search for boozdy goodnezs.
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
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