I sk at the spereo and my dad gave me and all access pass
what???
AN ALL ACCESS PASSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS
it's gonna be a chat room kind of night
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
The 30 seconds of sex was almost worth it...I mean he did smoke me out and watched the princess and the frog with me
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
I'm sorry but it's something you and your A cups wouldn't understand.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Randomize
