the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
You are a genius and a whore.
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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