if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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