I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
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