All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
party gras won. party gras always wins.
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
so i might have figured out why that girl isn't talking to me...I'm 90% confident I didn't give her a pillow when she stayed over >.>
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
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