Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
wish he had known he had poison ivy on his cock beforehand... Is calamine okay to put on your vag?..
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
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