shes got a really nice body. but her face is eh.
you dont need a face to have sex
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
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