Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
I think I have vodka in my lungs
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
Randomize
