i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
this must be what syphilis tastes like
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Randomize
