How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
i just googled 'classy porn'. high, low, i dunno i just got bored of cum shots.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
I just watched nsync videos for the past half hour and you could totally tell lance bass was gay in all of them
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Randomize
