I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
True college students do jello shots in the library
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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