Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
he has officially spend more money on me than any other boy. and its all gone to plan b. awesome.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
This whole brainwashing thing is easy!
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