hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
He invites me over too FucK and i wind up eating 6 jimboys tacos with his roommates. While he waited in his room. Maybe next time
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
