I DID IT WITH MY SOCKS ON!
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
and eventually we just all took our pants off
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
