The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
Would I do it again? Probably not but still,I don't regret a single ratchet thing I've done in college.
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
