Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
Randomize
