Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
his internet history is a lot of porn, how to make a hovercraft and side-effects of jacking off too much
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
I have officially had sex in every room on my floor. Don't say I'm not an amazing RA.
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
Randomize
