Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
So chef boyardee smells exactly the same after you throw it up
i literally discovered the exact same thing last week. i had the lasagna one
ravioli
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
We have to give a final comment in english, i think i might say "i learned it's a bad idea to make out with people in your classes who have girlfriends."
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
all im saying is 27 is too old to still be drinking 40s, you make more money than me, buy some decent shit
screw you you golddigging beer snob
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Randomize
