lets have sex before this no shave november shit gets outta hand.
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
Challenge: Try to have your balls hanging out in every picture you take tonight
Challenge Accepted
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
Randomize
