I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
Its like they don't get that I only talk to them before homecoming, thanksgiving, or any other time I go home. I love highschool girls.
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
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